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Sunday night blues....
Nov. 9th, 2003 09:15 pmSo, went out yesterday to a Craft Sale with Shanna, who left tonight to go to Disneyland and various parts of California for a week, and then did some shopping for groceries, which was rough cause I felt kind of blah. I wasn't the only one either. Shanna, Sheri, and Tam felt ick too. Something's going around apparently. Anyhow, I was grocery shopping, cause Kyle gave me 200 for food even though I only asked for 140 cause that's what I figured it would be. He was really nice about it, said just pay him back whenver. Then he had to go to his estranged mother in law's wedding, cause she was very upset that he wasn't going to go. But he wouldn't go to the reception, which I don't blame him, it was uncomfortable enough at the ceremony. I'd asked him to go out with us, then I was going to bail, cause I was tired etc. But he wanted to go out and he very seldom will so Tam, Jay, Shan, Kyle and me went to Treats, then over to Tam's sister's new house in the Uplands to drink and look at the new projection T.V.
The house was awesome. Shannon and Chris paid alot for it, but it was really nice. Anyhow, Kyle, Jay and Chris were all shwacked and all us women were sober, so it was a pretty funny night. Kyle said, "I didn't go to the reception so I could go out with you so you'd better not bail on me early like you usually do." I told him he was full of shit, he didn't go to the reception because it would've been awkward as hell. Then when we went back to his house at midnight to play video games, he made the big, "kiss" move and I had to have a two-hour discussion on why sex isn't a good idea even though we're comfortable and very close. Then being a dummy, I gave him a little kiss goodnight, because I do feel for the guy, I mean, his 12 year marriage is over, and while it was rocky for quite awhile it was still a shock to him, and now Christine has a new man and it's hard for Kyle to deal with. I didn't want him to feel like no one wants him.
And in another 6-8 months, when his shit is together, I would even consider it, cause it is nice to sit with someone you're friends with and not have awkward bullshit. Anyhow, the kiss was a mistake, because it led to another one, and he kisses well, and his hands were in my hair and on the sides of my neck and .....you know. So I ran for the door and he came after me to say goodnight. I gave him a hug and just being held felt great and then he kissed me again, so I pulled back and he pulled me closer and says in my ear, very soft and I don't know, yearning, almost, "I don't want you to leave. Stay." And it was rough. I said, "No, and don't ask me again. You're making it hard man, and I don't need it." So then I broke free and went through the first door and he's saying, "Wait, Nik." so I closed the door in his face and he opened it as I was going out the porch door and grabs my hand and pulls me back, and says. "You have to go?" And I just stared at him, I swear, it's like talking to a wall. I mean what was I explaining for 2 hours? "Yes." I finally said. So he says, "Call me then, and if you decide to change your mind....."
Men are evil!!!!
We talked twice today and he agreed I was right and it would've been a mistake, and he apologized for attacking me while I played video games and for being difficult, so it's cool. I just don't get why the timing in my life always blows. I only attract men who are needy and in an emotional mess. I told him that too. I said, "It's just like Wayne and I won't do that again."
Although, to be fair, Kyle is twice the man that Wayne is. He works hard and if he falls into bad habit binges now and again, he 's entitled right now, and he never really crosses that line of no return.
Everyone thinks I should give it time, then see how it would be, but I don't even know if I want that, I'm tired of waiting, I just think that the next man had better sweep me off my feet and put the effort in, cause I'm tired of doing it myself.
Going out to the farm to help Shelley with rodeo entries tomorrow. It'll be some money and she's always good that way. Trying to help me out and shit. Which gives me guilt twinges but nothing would be served by speaking up now. And that's another thing. Christine is friends with Shelley and her sister Kari, who is Wayne's brother Ron's ex-wife. I could just see if it all came out one day.
"Nikki? Oh, she slept with Kyle when we split up."
"Really, she slept with Wayne when we were split up too."
"And she was with Ron for a year too."
Too small of a town. And everyone knows each other. I obviously have no judgement and should just stay single. It's easier, and alot less of a hassle, for me and everyone else.
The house was awesome. Shannon and Chris paid alot for it, but it was really nice. Anyhow, Kyle, Jay and Chris were all shwacked and all us women were sober, so it was a pretty funny night. Kyle said, "I didn't go to the reception so I could go out with you so you'd better not bail on me early like you usually do." I told him he was full of shit, he didn't go to the reception because it would've been awkward as hell. Then when we went back to his house at midnight to play video games, he made the big, "kiss" move and I had to have a two-hour discussion on why sex isn't a good idea even though we're comfortable and very close. Then being a dummy, I gave him a little kiss goodnight, because I do feel for the guy, I mean, his 12 year marriage is over, and while it was rocky for quite awhile it was still a shock to him, and now Christine has a new man and it's hard for Kyle to deal with. I didn't want him to feel like no one wants him.
And in another 6-8 months, when his shit is together, I would even consider it, cause it is nice to sit with someone you're friends with and not have awkward bullshit. Anyhow, the kiss was a mistake, because it led to another one, and he kisses well, and his hands were in my hair and on the sides of my neck and .....you know. So I ran for the door and he came after me to say goodnight. I gave him a hug and just being held felt great and then he kissed me again, so I pulled back and he pulled me closer and says in my ear, very soft and I don't know, yearning, almost, "I don't want you to leave. Stay." And it was rough. I said, "No, and don't ask me again. You're making it hard man, and I don't need it." So then I broke free and went through the first door and he's saying, "Wait, Nik." so I closed the door in his face and he opened it as I was going out the porch door and grabs my hand and pulls me back, and says. "You have to go?" And I just stared at him, I swear, it's like talking to a wall. I mean what was I explaining for 2 hours? "Yes." I finally said. So he says, "Call me then, and if you decide to change your mind....."
Men are evil!!!!
We talked twice today and he agreed I was right and it would've been a mistake, and he apologized for attacking me while I played video games and for being difficult, so it's cool. I just don't get why the timing in my life always blows. I only attract men who are needy and in an emotional mess. I told him that too. I said, "It's just like Wayne and I won't do that again."
Although, to be fair, Kyle is twice the man that Wayne is. He works hard and if he falls into bad habit binges now and again, he 's entitled right now, and he never really crosses that line of no return.
Everyone thinks I should give it time, then see how it would be, but I don't even know if I want that, I'm tired of waiting, I just think that the next man had better sweep me off my feet and put the effort in, cause I'm tired of doing it myself.
Going out to the farm to help Shelley with rodeo entries tomorrow. It'll be some money and she's always good that way. Trying to help me out and shit. Which gives me guilt twinges but nothing would be served by speaking up now. And that's another thing. Christine is friends with Shelley and her sister Kari, who is Wayne's brother Ron's ex-wife. I could just see if it all came out one day.
"Nikki? Oh, she slept with Kyle when we split up."
"Really, she slept with Wayne when we were split up too."
"And she was with Ron for a year too."
Too small of a town. And everyone knows each other. I obviously have no judgement and should just stay single. It's easier, and alot less of a hassle, for me and everyone else.
